Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Nix, Son
On this day in history, November 21, 1973, president Richard Nixon's attorney, J. Fred Buzhardt, revealed an 18 1/2 minute gap in one of the White House tape recordings regarding the famed Watergate scandal. Recalling the gap, Nixon spoke candidly. "It was erased with purpose. Fuck, if anyone heard what was on that tape, jail time would have been the least of my worries," he said. How were the tapes erased? Well, only one 'man' knows the answer to that. Speak up Ronnie, speak up.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Hiatus
Sorry for the hiatus, guys (this is funny in itself because I'm almost certain that no one reads this...so who are these "guys" to which I speak?). I was detained by local authorities on the 14th, not long after crafting my last post, for peddling grassroots peanut butter in Davis Square (sans peanut butter vendor's license) and couldn't post bail until early this morning. Anyways, we're back.
That being said, so is robot Ronnie.
On this day, november 19th, in 1831, the 20th president of these United States, the honorable Mr. James A. Garfield was born in Orange, Ohio, weighing in at 13 lbs. 6 oz. Quite the heffer, I know. Garfield's mother described the birth as painful, however the reason for her pain was not the large child being expelled from her vagina but the cold, sharp hands of the midwife delivering it. That midwife, my friends, was in fact from the future. That midwife was Robot Ronnie. After the birth the midwife was seen retreating on the back of what Garfield's mother could only describe as "...a rigid machine." That rigid machine would later declare that if elected, no American would be subject to new taxes. How did that work out?
That being said, so is robot Ronnie.
On this day, november 19th, in 1831, the 20th president of these United States, the honorable Mr. James A. Garfield was born in Orange, Ohio, weighing in at 13 lbs. 6 oz. Quite the heffer, I know. Garfield's mother described the birth as painful, however the reason for her pain was not the large child being expelled from her vagina but the cold, sharp hands of the midwife delivering it. That midwife, my friends, was in fact from the future. That midwife was Robot Ronnie. After the birth the midwife was seen retreating on the back of what Garfield's mother could only describe as "...a rigid machine." That rigid machine would later declare that if elected, no American would be subject to new taxes. How did that work out?
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Hmm?
On this day, November 14th, in the year 1975, Robot Ronnie was probably doing something, something he probably shouldn't have been doing. That Robot Ronnie! A rapscalion if ever one did exist!
A Man of Virtue...Who Lacked Legs...At Least Ones that Functioned Properly
On this day, November 14th, in the year 1935, US President Franklin Delano Roosevelt declared the Phillipines a free commonwealth, ending a long history of imperial rule. Roosevelt, excited by the news, leapt into the air and clicked his heels together. We can only hope that he enjoyed the mobility while he still had it, for by the end of his tenure as President, the man who would be king could jump for joy no more.
Big White Sperm...Whale
On this day, November 14th, in the year 1851, Herman Melville's seminal (pun pretty much intended right there) work "Moby Dick" was published. On this same day, November 14th, 133 years later, the cult classic "Moby's Dick: Story of the White Sperm," was released to the delight of jack shacks worldwide.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
The introduction of the Jeep
On this day in 1940 the first prototype of the Jeep was submitted to the U.S. Army. Built to be a strong transport vehicle on the fields of war its revolutionary four-wheel drive capabilities allowed it to traverse difficult terrain. However, the removable top, a feature of the Jeep, was designed for other reasons. While designing the prototype Jeep engineers were smoking what can only be described as "copious" amounts of marijuana. This open top allowed the smoke to ventilate properly so when the "boss man" came around he wouldn't suspect a thing. Also, after years of research Jeep engineers were able to perfect what is now known as the Jeep wave, a popular way to signal your fellow Jeep owners that you too are a gas guzzling douchebag disguised as "an outdoorsy kinda guy".
According to Cape Ann Beacon journalist, Revisionist History contributor, and renown conspiracy theorist T. Buresh Doyle, known for his work on controversial issues and exposes including "Gloucester Town Meeting: Really Just a Meeting?", reports that former U.S. President Ronald Reagan may or may not have been a robot... made out of recycled Jeep parts.
Lastly, here at Revisionist History we don't just like to cover historical events as we see them, we also like to challenge our readers to do some research and find out some things on their own. Does anyone recall the story of the guy who ate a whole Jeep? What's up with that? I will speak with my friend James, who went as Jamie from Mythbusters for Halloween so he might be able to shed some light on this urban legend.
Til next time... question history, or we'll be doomed to repeat it!
According to Cape Ann Beacon journalist, Revisionist History contributor, and renown conspiracy theorist T. Buresh Doyle, known for his work on controversial issues and exposes including "Gloucester Town Meeting: Really Just a Meeting?", reports that former U.S. President Ronald Reagan may or may not have been a robot... made out of recycled Jeep parts.
Lastly, here at Revisionist History we don't just like to cover historical events as we see them, we also like to challenge our readers to do some research and find out some things on their own. Does anyone recall the story of the guy who ate a whole Jeep? What's up with that? I will speak with my friend James, who went as Jamie from Mythbusters for Halloween so he might be able to shed some light on this urban legend.
Til next time... question history, or we'll be doomed to repeat it!
Oh, Canada?
On this day, November 13th, 1775, United States troops seized Montreal during the American Revolution. The task was one of simplicity and minimal danger though, as Canadian forces objected from the battle and, rather than spilling the blood of their ignorant neighbors to the south, struck up an impromptu game of pond hockey during which they spilled one another's blood instead. American forces were dumbstruck and, as they watched the heated competition between the French speaking and English speaking factions of the Canadian army, laughed uncontrollably at the percieved cowardice displayed by their would be challengers. Canadians had the last laugh though, as each wounded player received free medical care after the game was over while injured Americans were charged thousands of dollars for unwanted amputations.
-"Why?" Asked the collective New York City.
On this day, November 13th, in 1927, the Holland Tunnel, which links New York City to New Jersey via the Hudson River, was opened to public traffic. It has been said that the macabre cries of terrified New Yorker's can still be heard in its bowels to this day.
-The Robot Cometh
On this day, November 13th, in 1979, former governor of California, ex B-list actor and undisputed robot Ronald Reagan announced his candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination. When asked what he thought about Reagan's political ascension, an annonymous democratic congressman and avid Carter supporter said, "I do not believe that it is constitutional to deny a robot the right to run for president, so long as he was born in the United States. That being said, I'm not any less scared. Robots are bad, very, very bad."
-Robot spotted at scene of Columbian mudslide
On this day, November 13th, in 1985, a mudslide buried the Columbian city of Armero, killing approximately 23,000. Eye witness reports placed a well dressed robot with shiny, well kempt black hair that stood about 6'3" at the top of the hill just before the slide devestated the city and its residents. My intention is not to point fingers, but...
-St. Augustine born
On this day, November 13th, in 354, St. Augustine, famous for his "Confessions," was born. Christian adolescents since have refrained from masturbatory activities fearing that their eyes will be burned out of their heads by God if they touch their privates.
-Clinton clearly didn't read Confessions
On this day, November 13th, in 1998, president William Jefferson Clinton agreed to pay Paula Jones $850,000 in a settlement of the sexual harassment lawsuit that crippled the country and led to the most absurd impeachment proceedings in the history of mankind. Clinton never admitted guilt. Yea, right.
-"Why?" Asked the collective New York City.
On this day, November 13th, in 1927, the Holland Tunnel, which links New York City to New Jersey via the Hudson River, was opened to public traffic. It has been said that the macabre cries of terrified New Yorker's can still be heard in its bowels to this day.
-The Robot Cometh
On this day, November 13th, in 1979, former governor of California, ex B-list actor and undisputed robot Ronald Reagan announced his candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination. When asked what he thought about Reagan's political ascension, an annonymous democratic congressman and avid Carter supporter said, "I do not believe that it is constitutional to deny a robot the right to run for president, so long as he was born in the United States. That being said, I'm not any less scared. Robots are bad, very, very bad."
-Robot spotted at scene of Columbian mudslide
On this day, November 13th, in 1985, a mudslide buried the Columbian city of Armero, killing approximately 23,000. Eye witness reports placed a well dressed robot with shiny, well kempt black hair that stood about 6'3" at the top of the hill just before the slide devestated the city and its residents. My intention is not to point fingers, but...
-St. Augustine born
On this day, November 13th, in 354, St. Augustine, famous for his "Confessions," was born. Christian adolescents since have refrained from masturbatory activities fearing that their eyes will be burned out of their heads by God if they touch their privates.
-Clinton clearly didn't read Confessions
On this day, November 13th, in 1998, president William Jefferson Clinton agreed to pay Paula Jones $850,000 in a settlement of the sexual harassment lawsuit that crippled the country and led to the most absurd impeachment proceedings in the history of mankind. Clinton never admitted guilt. Yea, right.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Reagan Exposed
On this day, November 12th, in 2006, ex-president Gerald Ford surpassed once B-list actor turned ruler of the free world Ronald Reagan as the longest lived American leader at 93 years & 121 days. After an in depth study was conducted by an independent third party it was proven that Ford had actually reached the milestone much earlier because, contrary to popular belief, Ronald Reagan was a robot.
After Leon Trotsky was excommunicated in 1927, Josef Stalin assumed the title of undisputed leader of the Soviet Union. Not however before he assumed the title of undisputed heavy weight champion of the world, a title he claimed after defeating Muhamad Ali's unborn spirit in a bout that went just three rounds. Stalin, having exerted minimal effort, celebrated by smoking a cigar, drinking the finest Vodka St. Petersberg had to offer and, as was his tradition, defacating in his underwear. The result was hot and sticky, as he had recently switched from boxers to briefs.
Knnesaw Mountain Landis, after having implicated the 1919 Chicago White Sox in the sporting scandal of the century, was elected Major League Baseball's first commissioner. Overjoyed, Mountain Landis dressed himself in his finest corsette, drank half a bottle of whiskey, spread a thick amount of lipstick over his mouth and ran through the streets of New York, shouting, "I'm a pretty girl; a pretty, pretty, dirty little girl." He was arrested and, like the fated Black Sox whose careers he had conspired to ruin, was banned from participating in Major League Baseball for the remainder of his life. It is rumored that Mountain Landis usurped the boundary set against him, dressing up as Cleveland Indians' mascot Cheif Wahoo and jumping atop dugouts around the American League til the day he died. Landis was, like Reagan, a robot.
After Leon Trotsky was excommunicated in 1927, Josef Stalin assumed the title of undisputed leader of the Soviet Union. Not however before he assumed the title of undisputed heavy weight champion of the world, a title he claimed after defeating Muhamad Ali's unborn spirit in a bout that went just three rounds. Stalin, having exerted minimal effort, celebrated by smoking a cigar, drinking the finest Vodka St. Petersberg had to offer and, as was his tradition, defacating in his underwear. The result was hot and sticky, as he had recently switched from boxers to briefs.
Knnesaw Mountain Landis, after having implicated the 1919 Chicago White Sox in the sporting scandal of the century, was elected Major League Baseball's first commissioner. Overjoyed, Mountain Landis dressed himself in his finest corsette, drank half a bottle of whiskey, spread a thick amount of lipstick over his mouth and ran through the streets of New York, shouting, "I'm a pretty girl; a pretty, pretty, dirty little girl." He was arrested and, like the fated Black Sox whose careers he had conspired to ruin, was banned from participating in Major League Baseball for the remainder of his life. It is rumored that Mountain Landis usurped the boundary set against him, dressing up as Cleveland Indians' mascot Cheif Wahoo and jumping atop dugouts around the American League til the day he died. Landis was, like Reagan, a robot.
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