On this day, November 13th, 1775, United States troops seized Montreal during the American Revolution. The task was one of simplicity and minimal danger though, as Canadian forces objected from the battle and, rather than spilling the blood of their ignorant neighbors to the south, struck up an impromptu game of pond hockey during which they spilled one another's blood instead. American forces were dumbstruck and, as they watched the heated competition between the French speaking and English speaking factions of the Canadian army, laughed uncontrollably at the percieved cowardice displayed by their would be challengers. Canadians had the last laugh though, as each wounded player received free medical care after the game was over while injured Americans were charged thousands of dollars for unwanted amputations.
-"Why?" Asked the collective New York City.
On this day, November 13th, in 1927, the Holland Tunnel, which links New York City to New Jersey via the Hudson River, was opened to public traffic. It has been said that the macabre cries of terrified New Yorker's can still be heard in its bowels to this day.
-The Robot Cometh
On this day, November 13th, in 1979, former governor of California, ex B-list actor and undisputed robot Ronald Reagan announced his candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination. When asked what he thought about Reagan's political ascension, an annonymous democratic congressman and avid Carter supporter said, "I do not believe that it is constitutional to deny a robot the right to run for president, so long as he was born in the United States. That being said, I'm not any less scared. Robots are bad, very, very bad."
-Robot spotted at scene of Columbian mudslide
On this day, November 13th, in 1985, a mudslide buried the Columbian city of Armero, killing approximately 23,000. Eye witness reports placed a well dressed robot with shiny, well kempt black hair that stood about 6'3" at the top of the hill just before the slide devestated the city and its residents. My intention is not to point fingers, but...
-St. Augustine born
On this day, November 13th, in 354, St. Augustine, famous for his "Confessions," was born. Christian adolescents since have refrained from masturbatory activities fearing that their eyes will be burned out of their heads by God if they touch their privates.
-Clinton clearly didn't read Confessions
On this day, November 13th, in 1998, president William Jefferson Clinton agreed to pay Paula Jones $850,000 in a settlement of the sexual harassment lawsuit that crippled the country and led to the most absurd impeachment proceedings in the history of mankind. Clinton never admitted guilt. Yea, right.
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